Another release day down. Another new record. Another bar set higher for the next one. Another anti-climax.
This is my third in February, coming (no pun intended) 10 days after the last. The last was preceded by a 6 day wait, 5 days for the one before.
Fully ruined orgasms are a weird, paradoxical thing. I look forward to them, and I don’t. They provide release in a way, and they don’t. They are an event, and they really aren’t.
Miss E initially viewed my releases as something I needed, both physically and emotionally. After today, the third, she isn’t so sure. She is struggling to see the benefit aside from a little release of fluid and even that is debatable.
All of this, I suppose, is the point. In our quest to separate release from pleasure, to re-train my brain to associate fluids leaving my body not with intimacy, closeness, fun, and euphoric feelings but with a non-event, all of this is the point. A nothing.
At first she took pleasure in it, found herself getting turned on by ruining them. Already, however, it’s just become a chore. I am certainly hornier after than I was before, there is no noticeable drop in my levels (pressure, hormones, etc.) after the release, and I really get nothing out of it. This really is progressing faster than either of us thought.
Last night we made love, in our new way. We made out, intensely, before she asked me to uncage and enter her. She told me to edge myself, repeatedly. She told me to edge myself and keep edging myself inside of her until I begged her to stop. I don’t know how many times it took, but of course I caved eventually. I thought I was going to cry. Then she had an orgasm thanks to her magic wand and my fingers, her 4th in 4 days, we cuddled a little, and I went to sleep. That, in all it’s immense struggle and frustration, is sex now. And it’s glorious. That is what I crave.
My next release is 14 days from now. After that, 18. Then 21 (to put us on the coveted weekend schedule). But the way this is going, and based on her reviews, I’m not sure this will continue much past the terms of our experiment (3 months). She’s already not seeing the need for it, and it’s hard to argue with her.