First off – we don’t mind sharing. This may be stating the obvious, given that we are blogging about this, but really, we don’t mind. The day we start getting comments and/or emails will be exciting for us.
Our former sex life cannot easily be summed up. Not always exciting, not always boring. Not always amazing, not ever terrible. Long periods of routine – new favorite things, moves, positions, toys that seem to become old habit after a while until for any number of reasons another batch of new favorites would break in and disrupt things.
We have been together a long time, and with 1 exception, we have only ever been with each other sexually (she had a 1 time thing before we were together). This has both its ups and downs. We know and understand each other very well. We have learned what makes each other tick. I’m very good at reading her body language, her breathing, her movements, and can have her ride the edge of orgasm for extended periods with fingers and toys based just on the non-verbal feedback she gives.
I always liked to think I was a generous lover. Caring. I almost always wanted her to orgasm (she didn’t always orgasm, but I wanted it). We have a bag of toys that come out at various intervals. Dildos, vibrators, plugs, restraints, blindfolds, gags, etc. She has enjoyed being spanked at times. I didn’t always fill the role of dominant, but if one of us was, it was generally me. For the most part, however, sex was mutual, on a relatively level playing field – or at least what is accepted as a level playing field in most (I would think) marriages.
Generally, one to three times per week, we would have sex…one being the usual number. Generally, it was at an almost agreed upon time, and about 10-15% of the time would result in her having an orgasm (men always orgasm, right? no point in putting that percentage in there). If we had sex more than once per week it was usually because I was horny, she wasn’t, and she would acquiesce. She called this wifely duties. She was always very good about it – and I treated it as a submissive act. She would realize I ‘needed’ it, and generally lay back and accept it. This was entirely about me. Squirt of lube and away I went, and thank her after for letting me do it. This is normal, right? Normal for us, anyway.
Wifely duties wasn’t good sex. Even for me. With the clarity I have now (more on that later), I know for certain it wasn’t good for her. It’s amazing what you get used to and/or put up with in a relationship.
The other half of our sex life was not together. No, this doesn’t mean we were cheating or have an open marriage. I’m talking about masturbation. We both did it, outside of our mutual relations. I did it much more frequently than her, but it still happened on both sides. If I had to put a number on it, 5 times weekly would be safe. For her, its likely she was giving herself half of the orgasms she was getting.
I would hazard a guess that this would look somewhat familiar to most couples. Comfortable. Predictable. Not the worst. Looking back now, however, it’s clear that what it was was hollow…empty. Meaningless sex mostly devoid of true intimacy for purely physical reasons of a selfish nature. This was our baseline, our starting point. It was this for 20+ years that we now compare our new reality to. The differences have been amazing, but that will have to come out in other posts.