I have been wanting to write a post related to the challenging emotions of this FLR/cuckold experience for a while, so here is my attempt. We watch a lot of Uncle Roger’s videos on YouTube and love the “emotional damage” meme, and while it is funny, there is no emotional damage to speak of. Emotions though – there have been so many different ones over the past several weeks!
I guess I need to establish that my emotional rollercoaster does not revolve around the sexual experiences that I am having – it revolves around Mr. J’s reaction to our “spin” on cuckolding. Sex with someone else is the easy/fun part – dealing with the husband and his reactions is another thing that I naively didn’t think I would have to manage (how dumb right??). I say this because we have had very clear communication about expectations and how we would manage this entire cuckolding scenario – but talking about it and dealing with the emotions that come with cuckolding are two entirely different things. To add context to my perspective – I am a people pleaser by nature – so learning to navigate around my natural tendencies to want to “fix” things when Mr. J is upset has been hard – but I’m working on it.
We initially had a specific set of rules of things that would/would not happen with a bull and as previously mentioned, I have strayed outside of those rules. When Mr. J found out this created some tension, I cried for 3 days, questioned my ability to do this, and I felt like a bag of shit. After much discussion between us and more tears, we moved the goal post and rules and I felt good about our plan to move forward. Problem solved right?
Wrong. I forget the specifics of the next incident that made Mr. J upset – but it led to the same emotions for me (why am I doing this?? Is it fair to myself that I am so upset?? If we changed the rules why is he upset?? ). I think I even slept in the guest room after this specific incident, although our dogs being awake and not sleeping at night had something to do with that as well….
I have had to reflect and ask myself if Mr. J’s reactions to my actions are warranted or not, and of course they are! Can any man be completely happy and satisfied when his wife is sleeping with someone else? What I have come to realize is that he will have emotional reactions and that I do not need to take responsibility for his reactions. He is human after all and will feel things, and I don’t need to feel bad because he feels something. What I do need to do is be responsive to his emotions and acknowledge that this is a journey we are on together and will figure out together.
So, it’s been a learning curve that has included a lot of self-reflection, empathy, and awareness and I can guarantee that while we may not have everything figured out, it continues to be worthwhile.
ps. Google Uncle Roger (Nigel Ng), the videos are pretty funny.