This is a hard post to write. It’s also a very, very long way from the fetishized world of chastity that you find on the internet.
I’ve already written about the emotions that come with this. Be it due to hormones, or time to reflect, or the power shift, or all of the above, I found myself much more emotional than I was before. I liked to pride myself on being rather stoic. Strong silent type. My father is the same way. This adventure changed that.
One of the most dominant feelings though, or one of the ones that requires the most effort to come to grips with for me, is guilt.
There was a lot of discussion, and still is, about our previous life together (Miss E and myself). This new reality has allowed a level of openness and honesty between us that has been healthy. Shocking. Eye opening. In every way it’s good. We are closer than we’ve ever been.
But…..the guilt. There is a lot of guilt. We have been together for 23 years, most of which was not in a FLR. The perspective I have now, and the discussions we have had, most often while in bed, nose to nose, cuddling, has brought so much understanding and clarity of what those 23 years were like for her, and they were not great.
Here is the rough accounting:
23 years together. Average of 2 times/week we were sexual. Roughly 2400 sexual encounters.
Of those 2400 sexual encounters, it’s likely she had an orgasm less than 5% of the time. 120
Of those 2400 sexual encounters, it’s likely she wasn’t interested at least 70% of the time. 1680
Of those 2400 sexual encounters, it’s likely I initiated 98% of the time. 2352.
Now, neither of us will go as far as to call anything that happened before marital rape. If she said no, then nothing happened. That being said, she felt obligated to go along with what I wanted most of the time…..it had to be pretty bad to say no. She called it wifely duties. We used to laugh about it. We don’t laugh about it anymore.
A prostitute that sees 10 clients/week would need to work 3 years to have as much sex they didn’t want as Miss E has had in our marriage (1680 times). More than 2300 times she was prey, being chased, being pushed into it, not at a time or place of her choosing. And if she was lucky, she had an orgasm once every 2 months. For 23 years.
Guilt. I feel immense guilt over all of this. Over using her, treating her like an object, using her body like a fleshlight, sometimes even encouraging her to just lay there limp while I got off. I apologize regularly. She reminds me of this too, not to encourage feelings of guilt, she’s not holding it over my head (though she could), but I think she appreciates that I at least understand, in a very small way, what I put her through for a very long time and that it was extremely one sided and unfair and all without her true consent.
No fetishizing here.