We love to plan. Work things out in advance, weigh pros and cons, analyze everything to death. Then we love to throw those plans in the fire and wing it. Then we make new plans.
There’s something (I think) almost cathartic about planning. Seeing the future unfold in front of you in a logical way, based solely on your own machinations. Pushing and pulling mental levers to effect changes large and small, imagining the downstream reactions they will cause, re-evaluating, planning more, until the end result far in the distance is exactly what you had envisioned.
So why then, if we (Miss E and I both) love to plan, love to have that control over the future, do we so frequently light everything on fire and just make it up as we go? I suppose it could be boredom, or it could be a lack of self-discipline in the moment to stick to the well laid out and agreed upon plan. It could be our lizard brains simply being attracted to the shiny object of the moment.
Whatever the reason, some of the rules went out the window. My extremely limited release schedule went out the window, for a short period. A few glorious, emotionally challenging, and exciting weeks where while I was still not in control of my own releases, they were certainly coming (no pun intended) at a much greater rate than before (or since, but we will come to that).
Part of this was to test my stamina – since starting orgasm control/denial along with a healthy amount of teasing, my already not very good stamina has become laughable. PIV sex is basically pointless at times, with my endurance measured by strokes in the single digits. I’m just on the edge, all the time. So part of this burning of the rule book was to see if offering more regular releases would improve my stamina to the point that Miss E could be at least somewhat satisfied by me. The results were mixed.
My stamina did improve, to basically the level it was before we started this. That is to say I wasn’t constantly on the verge of orgasm, but now could extend to something counted in minutes, not seconds. Better? Yes. Satisfying for Miss E? No. Definitely not.
So with nothing positive in it for her, and my hormones more all over the place with the frequent releases, we decided it was time to go back to basics. My orgasm schedule is now back to 6 pre-determined dates/year, at which point I can spend ‘stars’ I’ve earned through some limited activities on a list of orgasm rewards. Fully ruined orgasms are now back on the table without a defined schedule, but it’s looking like those will be somewhere in the 10-20 day range, and will not be delivered with PIV sex (I am no longer allowed to orgasm, completely or ruined, inside of her except on those 6 occasions per year, and only if I’ve earned enough stars to spend on that kind of orgasm).
This isn’t the exact plan we were on before, but it’s close. Rules are a little better defined, we experimented and the results were poor, so here we are. Her bull is filling her on a regular basis, and I am not. She seems happy with this arrangement, and in the end, that’s all that matters. I do enjoy predictability and a good plan, and we are back in that space now, so now it’s just settling into the routine. Is it hard? Of course, but oddly enough, so was not having rules. Am I upset or disappointed her bulls get so much more than I do? On the surface, sure. But now that she’s had good sex, and is getting better at sharing her true feelings, the disappointment when we do have PIV sex is quite evident. Facial expression, body language, verbal cues (or lack thereof), not to mention she isn’t shy about telling me how unsatisfying it is.
Oddly enough, that last part is very important. It confirms that what we are doing is right…that it makes sense…..that there is a good reason to withhold or outright deny me certain things – because they just make her frustrated and sad. This knowledge reinforces and underlines all of the denial. It’s crucial to hear her say those things, to understand the differences between what I offer and what a Bull offers.
My next scheduled release is in July, and hers are happening at an astounding rate, and all seems well in the world.